


There is Just One Thing I Need

by fathomlessspite



Category: The OC
Genre: Angst, F/M, Holidays, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-28
Updated: 2007-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-12 12:53:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/125028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fathomlessspite/pseuds/fathomlessspite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Cohen brood gather for the Christmas holidays, Ryan shares some truths about himself and Sophie is surprisingly perceptive about the ones he continues to hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is Just One Thing I Need

Christmas was once again upon them. Ryan was on his way to Sandy and Kirsten’s house, just round the corner from his. He was baby-sitting for the evening whilst the couple re-joined Newport Beach’s circle for a Christmas Eve eve celebration. Seth and Summer had flown in that morning and would be joining Sandy and Kirsten.

Ryan had been invited, but had said he couldn’t find a date and offered to look after Sophie instead. Truth was he wasn’t feeling up to one of those parties at the moment, especially one at which Seth and Summer would be the proud newly weds.

It had been close to a year now, and Ryan still wasn’t sure he could believe they’d actually tied the knot. That they’d settled down on the east coast as far away as they could get without leaving the country.

Ryan plastered on his smile as he knocked on the door.

"Ryan!" Seth greeted him with a grin as he opened the door.

"Hey Seth," Ryan smiled back as Seth pulled him into a hug.

He had never been sure if Seth’s relaxed way of expressing his emotions when it came to physical contact was a good or bad thing. Whilst he appreciated being able to be this close to Seth, sometimes it felt almost torturous, a small taste of something he couldn’t have all of.

Ryan let himself relish for a moment, breathing in deeply, before he drew back and patted Seth on the shoulder.

"How’ve you been man?" he asked as Seth led him inside.

"Oh you know, good good," Seth said waving his hand dismissively. Which was another thing Ryan hated about their distance. He used to know every little detail of Seth’s life, no matter how trivial. Now that he was married and settled at the opposite end of the country, he didn’t seem to need Ryan to talk to anymore.

"Cool," Ryan answered as they wandered into the kitchen where Sophie was sitting at the counter with a pile of felt tip pens and paper. Ryan ruffled her hair in greeting and she grinned at him before returning to her picture.

"How ‘bout you?" Seth asked as he grabbed a tie off the counter and put it round his neck.

"Nothing new to report," Ryan said, sliding onto a stool next to Sophie. And that was the rather depressing thing, five months had passed since he last saw Seth and he had nothing noteworthy to tell him about his life.

"So," Seth said after a few moment in which he failed to knot his tie properly. "I hear you couldn’t find a date to this thing?" he asked.

"Hmn."

"I find that hard to believe Ryan, surely you could have found someone who thinks you’re mildly attractive and invited them," he said with a raised eyebrow, pulling his tie of completely and throwing it back down onto the counter.

"Jason thinks you’re pretty," Sophie said offhandedly, not even looking up from her drawing.

Ryan covered up the way his heart stuttered for a moment with a chuckle. "Jason is an idiot, sweetheart. Ignore everything he says," he told her.

"Who’s Jason?" Seth asked, leaning back against the counter.

"A guy I went to college with, he lives down the street from me," Ryan explained.

"Cool," Seth said.

"Hey Ryan," Sandy said as he entered the kitchen and clapped a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. "Thanks for this."

"No problem," Ryan smiled and sat and watched as Sandy enthusiastically talked about his daughter’s artistic genius, whilst she looked at him with sceptical eyes that clearly said, ‘it’s a felt tip pen scribble dad, get over it’.

As Ryan turned his attention to Seth who was continuing to battle with his tie, his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open after glancing at the caller id.

"Hi Jase," he greeted.

" _Ry_!" Jason almost shouted down the phone. Ryan cringed. " _What you up to tonight_?"

Ryan bit back the word baby-sitting, as Sophie was sitting right next to him. "Hanging out with Sophie," he said and she looked up to grin at him as if he was a puppy she’d trained well.

" _Oooo, can I come? Me and blondie get on well, I taught her how to play rummy last time she was over_."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Of course you did. I’m at the Cohen’s, not mine," he explained and saw Sandy look at him with an inquisitive raised eyebrow.

" _Put the kid on the phone,"_ Jason said. Not wanting to argue, Ryan handed it over.

Sophie held the phone against her ear with her left hand and continued to colour in. "Hi Jason," Pause. "Yep," Pause. "Yeah," Pause. "He’s just afraid I’ll get better than him-"

"Okay, give me back the phone," Ryan said.

"Bye Jason," she said sweetly and handed over the phone.

" _See, she wants me there_ ," Jason said as soon as the phone was to Ryan’s ear.

"Jason, she’s a seven year old girl who you give sweets and play games with whenever you see her, of course she wants you here," Ryan reasoned.

" _She likes me,"_ Jason said smugly.

"Is Jason coming over?" Sophie asked as Ryan opened his mouth to respond to Jason. "Is he bringing candy?" she added, Ryan laughed.

"No to both," he said, and there were two lots of complaining in response, one next to him and one coming from down the phone line.

"Ryan, as long as you don’t throw a house party while we’re out, you can have a friend over," Sandy smiled.

" _I’ll be there in twenty minutes_ ," Jason said and hung up the phone.

* * *

Ryan was deeply and profoundly glad that Jason was late and that Kirsten made the Cohen’s leave early for their dinner party.

It wasn’t that he was embarrassed of either Jason or the Cohen’s, it was just Jason had had Ryan figured out pretty much from the beginning. Had realised that the reason Ryan didn’t date was because he was hung up pretty badly on someone else, and once he’d got to know Ryan a little better, it had been an easy guess who that person was.

Thus, Ryan wasn’t to eager for Jason to meet Seth face to face just yet.

Sophie was completely enthralled with Jason, which Ryan could understand. He was charming and attractive, not to mention that he had indeed brought sweets with him.

It was those things (apart from the sweets) that had attracted Ryan to Jason when they were at college. He’d been fun to be around, and Ryan who was feeling the loss of his best friend and the strangeness of being away from the Cohen’s after so long, needed that.

After a few years they’d come to a mutual understanding. Ryan choosing not to involve himself in any long-term relationships, and Jason often having trouble holding them down, they often ended up together.

Whilst it happened less often now they were older, it was always reassuring to have Jason around, even as just a friend.

After they’d packed Sophie off to bed they put on a few DVD’s and cracked out the popcorn and as Ryan was in a generous mood (it was Christmas after all) they spent most of the second movie making out on the sofa.

* * *

Ryan was drifting pleasantly between consciousness and unconsciousness when the front door slammed loudly. Ryan frowned and burrowed closer to the warm thing lying next to him, until the voices in the halls permeated the sleepy fog in his brain. His eyes snapped open and he pushed Jason off him.

Cue a long stream of swearing as Jason hit the floor with an impressive thud.

"What the hell man?" he mumbled into the deep pile carpet. Ryan sat up and rolled him over with his foot.

"They’re back," he said simply as Jason sat up and yawned.

"They couldn’t have stayed out a bit longer, I was sleeping," he complained as he used the sofa for support as he hauled himself to his feet. Ryan caught him by the elbow and steadied him as he swayed.

"It’s three am," he said after checking his watch.

"Oh," Jase responded, running a hand through his hair.

"Hey Ryan," Kirsten said with a smile as she entered the den. "You must be Jason," she added.

"Pleasure to meet you Mrs. Coh-en," Jason said, offering his right hand and using his left to cover his mouth as he yawned. Kirsten laughed. "Sorry," he apologised. "Ryan just woke me up," he said, shooting a glare in Ryan’s direction who shrugged innocently.

"Sophie okay?" she asked.

"Yeah she went to bed with no problems," Ryan told her. "How was your evening?" he asked her.

"Oh you know the drill," she said with a long suffering sigh, Ryan laughed.

"Come on Jase, I’ll walk you home. You can pick up your car tomorrow," Ryan said, pushing Jason toward the door.

They left to the sounds of the other three Cohen’s voting on which takeout was likely to deliver at three o’clock in the morning.

* * *

They walked back together the next morning, Ryan to join the Christmas Eve Cohen festivities and Jason to pick up his car.

Jason bumped his shoulder companionably as they reached the drive and the car parked just next to it on the road.

"So you’re staying until Boxing Day?" Jason asked as he unlocked the car.

"That’s the plan," Ryan nodded.

"Well then," Jason smirked at him before pushing him back against the side of the car. "Better say goodbye properly," he said.

"Jase," Ryan rolled his eyes, but didn’t stop him when Jason leaned in and pressed his lips against Ryan. Didn’t resist when he pressed them together against the car, or when he parted Ryan’s lips with his tongue and tried to wrap it round Ryan’s own.

And why would he want to push him away anyway? Someone who clearly wanted him. Just because he was slightly to tall, and broad shouldered, and unmarried, and not the son of his adoptive parents…

Ryan gasped for air as Jason drew back and trailed wet, warm kisses across his jaw to his neck. His eyes snapped open as he felt the graze of teeth against his skin, only to fall open the figure of an opened mouthed Seth standing in the doorway of the Cohen house in his dressing gown.

Ryan managed to get a hand on Jason’s chest and push him firmly away, but when he looked up again the door was closed and Seth was gone.

"I’ll see you soon," Ryan said to Jason before turning to walk up the driveway.

"Have a good Christmas!" Jason called before getting into the car and starting the engine. Ryan heard him pull away just as he reached the door and pulled it open.

Seth was nowhere to be seen.

Ryan wandered warily into the kitchen, only to be greeted by Sandy and Kirsten.

"Ryan!" Sandy said with a grin. "Come in, you had breakfast?" he said gesturing to the bagels.

"Yeah, thanks," he said. "Where’s the others?" he asked, frowning.

"Summer and Sophie are still asleep. Seth’s in the shower I think," Kirsten said.

"You okay?" Sandy asked, perceptive as ever.

"Yeah, I’m fine," he replied honestly. "But I need to tell you that I…" he trailed off, trying to find some way of phrasing it.

"That you?" Sandy prompted.

"That I er," he paused. "Bat for both teams," he said and cringed as soon as the words left his mouth. Sandy’s eyes widened and Kirsten looked a little shocked.

"So you and that Jason…?" she questioned.

"We’re not, I mean we have, but we’re not-" he took a breath. "We’re not together or anything."

"Okay," Sandy said slowly.

"I know I should have told you earlier, and I would have. It wasn’t like I was scared to you, I didn’t think it would bother you," he paused. "Does it?"

"Of course not," Sandy said firmly and Kirsten voiced her agreement.

"As long as you’re happy," she smiled.

"Happy, right," he said, distantly recognising that his tone might not reinforce their positive perception of his happiness.

"So why did you wait to tell us?" Sandy asked.

"I didn’t want Seth to freak out," he said simply and saw the understanding flicker across their faces, thankfully not complete understanding. "And I didn’t like the idea of everyone knowing but him," he explained. "But now he may have caught on after witnessing mine and Jason’s, erm, goodbyes."

"But you said…" Kirsten trailed off. "Oh."

Ryan avoided her eyes and continued talking. "I just wanted you to know. So if it’s a little weird over the nest few days, this is probably why."

"Well, thanks for the advanced warning," Sandy said with a smile and clapped him on the shoulder and squeezed slightly before returning to his bagel.

Ryan poured himself some coffee and they sat in amiable silence until Sophie barrelled into the room, a yawning Summer trailed behind her.

Ryan smiled as Sophie hauled herself into the chair next to and lent up to give him a kiss on the cheek before pulling a plate toward her and grabbing a bagel.

* * *

Seth didn’t make it downstairs for another half hour, and when he finally did appear he grunted his good mornings, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to the den and switched on the T.V.

Out of the corner of his eye Ryan saw Kirsten and Sandy share a conspiratorial look which put him on alert.

When Kirsten later asked Summer if she’d come into town with her to pick up a few last minute holiday necessities, Ryan sensed trouble on the horizon. When Sandy conveniently entered the room and happened upon the conversation things began to look bad.

"Feel like some company?" he asked the girls. "What do you say kid? We could get ice-cream while they shop," Sandy said to Sophie, who was immediately in.

Seth was staying stubbornly quiet and Ryan could think of nothing to say to stop a pair of determined Cohens.

Once they’d left the house felt horribly small, the only sounds the clattering of the dishes as Seth loaded them into the washer, having fled to the kitchen as soon as the front door shut.

Ryan sighed and headed toward the kitchen, stopping in the doorway and watching as Seth closed the dishwasher drawer.

"Seth," he said quietly, but it still made Seth jump, his gaze darting toward Ryan then away again. "Seth, I-" he began again after a couple of minutes of silence but couldn’t think of how to continue.

"I just don’t get it," Seth said eventually, sounding genuinely confused. "How can- how can the guy who saved me from being beaten up by water polo players who accused me of being queer be…?"

"A shirt lifter?" Ryan asked sardonically.

"No that’s- Well, yeah," Seth amended lamely. Ryan shrugged and stepped into the kitchen properly, leaning against the counter as Seth paced in front of him. "Why didn’t you tell me?" he asked after a few moments.

Ryan looked at his sock clad feet for a few moments trying to compose an answer. He didn’t want to lie to Seth, but he didn’t think the whole truth would do any of them any good.

He looked back up and caught a glimpse of Seth’s wedding ring as he ran his hand through his hair.

"I didn’t want anything to change," he answered eventually and with complete honesty.

Seth opened his mouth to respond, to deny that anything would change, but Ryan could see the moment when he realised that wasn’t true, and he shut his mouth again.

"I’m still me Seth, I just…"

"Like boys instead of girls?" Seth asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, either is fine by me," he answered with a shrug.

"Oh," Seth sounded confused. "But I thought, well I assumed this was why you never brought anyone home or had any steady girlfriends."

"No, I-" God, how did he explain this? "I don’t really do relationships,"

"Why?" Seth asked.

 _Because no-one can measure up to you_.

"Because they never work out Seth, I’m just not cut out for it," he said, looking out of the window.

"Well that’s stupid, you’ll never find someone if you don’t even try," Seth responded, walking toward Ryan. "Whether it’s a girl or a guy," he added sounding uncomfortable.

"Seth," Ryan grit out. "Maybe I don’t want to ‘find someone’."

"Is this about Marissa?" Seth asked.

"No!" Ryan exclaimed angrily. Because whilst he had loved Marissa, it had taken him years to figure out why it had never felt quite right between them, never as easy as it should have been. It had taken him almost as long to stop feeling guilty about it, to stop visiting her grave as often as he could and apologising until his throat was raw.

But now he’d finally come to terms with that, he was fed up of everything always coming back to her, when it shouldn’t. It was like everyone was blaming her for his problems, when it wasn’t her fault and she wasn’t even there to speak up for herself.

"Then what is it?" Seth asked earnestly, stepping even closer; his edginess over the revelation about Ryan’s preferences seemingly overcome with the emergence of a new problem for him to solve.

"Seth, I don’t-"

"Why won’t you let yourself be happy?" Seth asked.

"I am happy," Ryan said. "As happy as I’ll ever get," he added and wished he hadn’t.

"Ryan, come on. You’ve got years of not sharing to make up for," Seth said lightly. "Explain it to me," he added, coming even closer so they were almost toe to toe.

"Seth," Ryan said softly, and he must have sounded like he was about to open up because Seth’s eyes turned hopeful.

"Yeah?"

"Stop," Ryan responded and he could see Seth gearing himself up to argue. "Before I say or do something that we’ll both regret," he added and Seth glanced down at Ryan’s bunched up fists.

Seth took a hesitant step back. "Like what?" he asked quietly. Ryan looked at him for a second before looking away, afraid he might be able to read everything from Ryan’s expression.

"I’m going for a walk," he said quietly.

"Okay," Seth responded even more softly than Ryan had. "You’re coming back though?" he asked as Ryan turned to the door. He didn’t trust his voice so he just nodded sharply before walking out of the kitchen and out of the house entirely. And kept on walking.

* * *

When Ryan had walked far enough he returned to his house for a shower before walking back round to the Cohens’. Seth answered when he knocked on the door.

"You came back," he said with a small smile.

"Yeah," Ryan said, ducking past him and into the hall.

"Everyone’s in the den," Seth explained as he followed Ryan down the hall. "We saved you some takeout."

"I’m not that hungry," Ryan replied.

"Ryan!" Sophie said excitedly as they entered the den. "I’m winning!" she said with a grin, pointing at all of her little houses and hotels on the monopoly board on the coffee table.

"Well you did learn from the best," Ryan said as he walked round the table and sat down on the floor next to her.

"If you were talking about me then I could understand that comment, but I’m pretty sure you were the one who taught her how to play," Sandy said with a challenging raised eyebrow. Ryan grinned and took the last piece out of the box and placed it on the board.

"Them’s fighting words," he said and the others laughed.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Seth settle down on the sofa next to Summer, he pointedly didn’t look at them.

* * *

"Did you and Seth have a fight?"

Ryan jumped at the voice which interrupted his daydreaming. He hadn’t heard the French doors open, but it must have done for there was now a young girl with a head of blonde curls sitting on the bench next to him.

"No Sophie, we…" he trailed off and looked up at the stars. "I just told him something important and he’s trying not to freak out."

"Oh," she said quietly, leaning her head against his arm. "Is it about your friend Jason?" she asked. Ryan opened his mouth then closed it again. He kept forgetting how perceptive children could be, and she was a Cohen as well, which made her twice as astute.

"Yeah, that’s part of it," he nodded.

"So it’s not just because you like boys?" she asked and Ryan couldn’t help the small choked laugh from coming out.

"No, he wants to know why I don’t have any serious relationships with people, boys or girls," he added.

"Oh," she said thoughtfully. "Well, isn’t that because you don’t want to love anyone else?" she asked.

"Anyone else-?" he questioned, looking down at her, she looked up at him and smiled.

"Than Seth," she said in a tone that implied he was an idiot.

"Right," he said after a moment. "But I can’t tell him that," he added.

"I know," she sighed and leant back on his side. "Because he’s married to Summer."

"Yeah, and because he could never…" he trailed off thinking this was a bit too deep for a conversation with a seven year old. "Because he’d freak out even more than he is now," he amended.

Sophie laughed. "Probably," she said with a grin and jumped to her feet. "Dad said we could have mince pies, he and mum put them in the oven."

"I’ll be in in a minute," he said with a smile.

"Okay," she grinned and bounded back inside.

"So," a voice from behind him said, sounding somewhat constricted.

"Summer," Ryan said feeling his stomach drop. "How long were you-?"

"I followed Sophie out," she said as she walked over and leant against the railing next to the steps. "So you’re gay."

"Bi," he corrected quietly, closing his eyes and running a hand through his hair.

"And you’re in love with my husband?" she asked, again with an air of false calm that set Ryan on edge.

"Summer I’d never do or say anything," Ryan answered, even though he figured it pretty much went without saying, if he’d kept it to himself all this time.

"Yeah I thought as much," she nodded. "But-"

"No buts," Ryan interrupted. "Nothing’s changed, and nothing will," he stated, but looked at her questioningly.

"No, I guess not," she nodded. "How long?" she asked.

"Since the beginning I guess," he replied. "Not that I realised back then," he smiled a self-depreciating smile.

"He misses it here you know," she said after a few moments. "I think he wanted to come back when we finished college, but I got a job out there and so we stayed." She sighed and turned round to face the house. "I don’t think he realised how much he wanted to come home," she said, looking at him for the first time since she’d stepped outside.

"We keep arguing," she said softly. "Over the stupidest things," she added. Ryan resisted the urge to say it sounded like everything was normal, because it was obvious Summer felt it wasn’t.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked.

"To make you feel better?"

"Well it’s not working," he told her.

"Okay," she said and fell silent. After a few minutes she took a deep breath and looked at him, "Come on Atwood, the mince pies will be getting cold," she said and smiled hesitantly

"Right," he smiled back and followed her inside.

* * *

The holiday passed fairly happily. Admittedly with a little bit of an uncomfortable air, but it was in no way as bad as it could have been.

Seth and Summer said their farewells on the day after boxing day. Summer uncharacteristically gave Ryan a hug and kissed him on the cheek.

"Take care of yourself Ryan," she said with a smile.

Seth uncharacteristically, didn’t hug him, but offered him a handshake. Ryan took his hand and shook it, heart clenching at Seth’s seeming reluctance to even do that.

"Don’t be strangers," Sandy called as they got into their rental car.

They all stood on the steps and waved as the car pulled away and drove down the street and out of sight.

Ryan stood there for several minutes staring at the empty drive, before small hand took his.

"Come back inside, Ryan," Sophie said softly. Ryan let her pull him back inside and shut the door behind them.


End file.
